Why I'm Here

Today marks my first official day as a student of BYU-Idaho Online. I've decided to study business management, and my first class is an introduction to entrepreneurship. I'm completely terrified ... and that's how I know this is a good thing. One of my assignments for the class is to have an entrepreneurial journal, and that's the purpose that this blog will be serving. I'd like to start my journal by explaining why I've chosen this path.

It's been almost a year since I started my first real job. I work for a local company - a natural health food store - and I love it. I remember thinking, when I was applying for jobs, that I hated the idea of being tied down and having a boss. I was spoiled by my flexible, homeschooled schedule growing up, and it didn't help that my parents were both self-employed and could take me on adventures whenever they wanted. I made money by doing flexible things like working for my parents and babysitting. I loved freedom. I was also in a relationship that was growing more serious and my heart screamed that I didn't want to find a job, but instead get married and have a child. Unfortunately, that dream was beyond unrealistic.

Somehow, I managed to embrace adulthood and the fact that I couldn't fly free forever. The bird inside me settled in the branches of a tree on the Good Earth Natural Foods logo and made herself comfortable - very comfortable.

Before I knew it, my dreams altered completely. I fell in love with retail. My relationship fell apart and my work became my backbone. I became so attached to my job that I couldn't bear the thought of ever losing it. I decided to pursue a degree in business management with the hope of eventually going corporate with my company. I worked hard, was rewarded greatly for it, and thrived. I was enjoying my comfortable tree branches a great deal until I came to two realizations:

1. BYU-Idaho's only online degree option for business management has an emphasis on entrepreneurship.
2. Working long-term with my company doesn't fit in at all with my ultimate goal of being a mother. I want to be the one to raise my children.

In one of my readings for this week, Jeff Sandefer states, "No one ever really wants change. We fear change. We want safety and stability and comfort." I couldn't agree with him more. When I came to those realizations, they really shook things up. I noticed that I'd become too comfortable and content with my present state. I'd let go of my ultimate dreams. I flew out of my tree just long enough to take a peek at possibilities, and I suddenly felt very conflicted.

Commit to a career with Good Earth, or encourage the hope of motherhood? Be content with my journey in retail, or pursue my writing and other passions I haven't yet discovered? Safety or adventure?

I always struggled with the fact that my degree choice had an emphasis on entrepreneurship - until I realized that was likely divinely planned, just as my entire life has been. As much as I adore where I work, I can see now that it's a stage that will eventually end. Deep down, I always knew that I couldn't reconcile the idea of a full-time management position with my other ambitions.

Until I settle down and have a family, I plan to enjoy my job and learn all that I can from it. But the moment I have a child, things will have to be different. I can't stand the thought of not being home with my children. If I need to contribute to the financial health of my family, the only option my heart will allow is working from home. And that is why I'm here.

We're encouraged to plan our futures and set goals, and that is my ultimate goal. Not to build a career working for someone else, but to build a family and to do what is necessary from home. I didn't completely make this decision until today. I was stubborn for a long time. I couldn't see how to choose both parts of myself. Now, however, I believe it's possible to fulfill both dreams. There must be a way to find the same kind of fulfillment I do at work in an independent pursuit, and still have my children on my lap. That is what I'm here to discover.

This is my journey. This is the first step in me choosing to fly.